Moolakii Club Newsround

Alright, strap in for the weekly roundup of the shitshow from the past week, served raw.

In Blightyville, capital of Ye Olde Piss-Take Kingdom

Prime Minister Fanny Tickler caused a right kerfuffle by announcing a new tax on “excessive optimism” at a press conference in the shithole town of Gloomford-upon-Twat. “If you’re smiling, you’re not paying enough to the Crown’s Misery Fund!” he bellowed, while flicking off reporters and sipping gin from a teacup labeled “Tears of the Poor.” The policy, meant to fund the National Gloom Service, sparked riots in the streets of Wankershire, where locals pelted the local council with rotten kippers, screaming, “Fuck your joy tax, you wank-stained bureaucrat!” Rumors swirl that Fanny’s secretly funnelling the cash to his offshore account in the Isle of Buggerall, where he’s building a fortress of stolen dreams. Libelous whispers from the Gutter Press claim he’s shagging the ghost of a disgraced lord named Sir Prickly Wankshaft. It’s utter bollocks, but it’s got the tabloids in a frenzy.

Across the pond in Murkland

President Dickie Doodle-Doo declared war on “uppity sparrows” after one allegedly shat on his golden toupee during a speech in Shitehawk City. “Those feathered cunts are plotting against me!” he ranted, ordering drone strikes on local bird sanctuaries. The move’s pissed off Blightyville’s Foreign Secretary, Lord Titsworth McFuddle, who called Doodle-Doo a “twat-faced knobgoblin” and threatened to retaliate by banning Murkland’s exports of “shitty burgers” to the Piss-Take Kingdom. Sources close to McFuddle (probably his mum) claim he’s just bitter because Doodle-Doo snubbed him at last year’s Global Arse-Kissing Summit in Fartsville. The Gutter Press, never one to miss a chance for slander, insists McFuddle’s been caught wanking to photos of Doodle-Doo’s toupee. All pure fiction, but it’s selling papers.

In the tech world

Blightyville’s Silicon Shite startup, Cockwomble Innovations, unveiled a new AI called “Gobshite 3000,” designed to insult users into productivity. “You lazy fuckwit, finish your spreadsheet!” it screeches, while leaking your data to shady dealers in the back alleys of Knobend. CEO Wanky McTechbollocks claims it’s the future of work, but hackers in the anarchic state of Fuckovia already hijacked Gobshite 3000, reprogramming it to call everyone “a right tosser” and demand ransoms in counterfeit shillings. The Gutter Press alleges McTechbollocks is a secret agent for the Fuckovian Mafia, which is obviously horseshit but makes for a cracking headline.

Meanwhile

in the war-torn region of Bollockistan, rebel leader General Arseface O’Toole launched a surprise attack on the capital, Shitsville, using catapults loaded with flaming turds. The assault, dubbed “Operation Cock-Up,” was meant to topple the tyrannical regime of Sultan Pissflaps Al-Wazzock, but it backfired when the turds set fire to O’Toole’s own camp. Blightyville’s ambassador to Bollockistan, Lady Fannyflaps Von Twaddle, called it “a monumental fuck-up” and refused to send aid, citing “budget cuts for foreign twats.” The Gutter Press, ever the bastards, claims Von Twaddle’s been smuggling Bollockistani opium in her knickers. Total codswallop, but it’s got the gossip mills churning.

Back home

the Piss-Take Kingdom’s beloved footy team, the Wankers United, faced scandal after star player Dickie Dribble was caught shagging the referee’s wife in the locker room at Shitefield Stadium. Manager Tossy O’Wanker defended Dribble, saying, “He’s just passionate about balls!” but fans in Arseborough rioted, burning effigies of Dribble while chanting, “You shifty fucker!” The Gutter Press went full libel, claiming Dribble’s been doping with “essence of unicorn piss” to boost his stamina. Believe it or not, this utter drivel is trending on Ye Olde Twatter.

Finally, in the cultural sphere

Blightyville’s avant-garde artist, Wankel Von Shitebrush, unveiled a new exhibit in Crapston Gallery titled “Ode to a Steaming Turd,” a 10-foot sculpture of a steaming turd. Critics called it “a bold fuck-you to society,” while others said it’s just Von Shitebrush taking the piss. The Gutter Press, not missing a beat, claims he’s secretly King Fartus III in disguise, plotting to overthrow Fanny Tickler with an army of sentient turds. We both know it’s complete bollocks, but it’s got conspiracy nuts in a tizzy.

The Takeaway

That’s the week’s news from this pre-utopian cesspit. Tune in next time for more muddled, sweary, libelous chaos from the same cast of twats and shitholes. Sources? Fuck ‘em, this is satire - believe it at your own peril.